Just read and it all ends here.

I don't wanna try to be better, I don't wanna try to be good.
I'm already a kind person and in fact I'm a disciplined person.

I don't wanna smile when i don't feel like, and why do i have to fake it just for you to see? It's not that i don't like you but why do i have to? why i have to follow the norm? I'm not born to smile to you, and not a clown either. It's not a wrong or right thing. I'm just being myself normally. This is me.


I knew that in some ways, I've changed.

Mature is the major changes, but there still problems caused from
childhood experiences that holds me back. I'm stuck emotionally. Still.

I'm more worried of my behaviour that will influence my mind slowly and then entirely.
I don't get what i did sometimes. Even if I didn't do anything but thinking of doing it is enough making me freaking myself too much.

It's all accumulated then now this whole problem appears more often like it's time to clear my trash in the Inbox. It's full. I'm more anxious.

And I need to clear them now.


1. Being force to smile when i feel just normal is the first childhood experience
from my family members especially from my mom and sisters.
Their theory is i don't have a naturally smiley face on my normal face. So almost everyday even if i'm not in happy mood, I've to force myself to smile, just because they say so. So what is the real problem? Do i look really awful now? So now, I'm thinking the way like one of them!

2. Everyone in this world makes mistakes more than once since we're born.
Parents have different ways to see it, talk about it, execute the punishment and lead the child the learn from the mistakes. I knew i learnt it a terrifying way.
All I remember I did mistakes from somewhere, I reach home from school feeling relax a bit. The next thing i remember is being called into room, door shut and the first whipped of a cane stick from behind or when i turned behind. It terrifies me. It's similar to any of a scene from ghost movies. I only learnt that I don't simply walk into a room when being called to(especially a slightly dark one), always turn and look out behind whenever i'm alone or not, don't say too much things so i won't say the wrong thing, make sure I'm well behaved or disciplined, don't do wrong thing which hell i know which is wrong, if i did any wrong thing = i'll get punish and i'm any bad words can be defined but which is a bad and which is right words anyway, they're just words.

I never learn to learn from mistakes. I learnt it recently.
Ya, I don't even remember why i got all the terrifying punishment from my mom, neither my mistakes and what should i do to make it right.

3. This is a very very very deep experience I got from her too.
I remember that I'm sick or physically injured. I have MC so i got chances to just lay on my bed. I remember my sister's friend borrowed a series of comics to me.
She hates comics. I was reading them when I woke up and didn't brush my teeth or eat. She stomped in yelling at me, the comics was thrown away, I suddenly got whipped. The next thing I know is I was laid down, my head is being covered by a pillow, and being pushed down from the other side of the pillow. Then I heard she said she would rather go to jail of killing me than something. I just can't breathe well.

I ended up went back to school telling my best friend(used to be, now is in betrayal friend list) that she don't want me cause is trying to kill me with a pillow. Even if I tell the world, no one would believe this ever happen cause no parent will kill their own kids. It did happened.

What i learnt? Don't be sick or MC or lazy bump or I'll get hate from others.
That's how i learnt to hate lazy bumps, I guess.



I learnt things the rough ways good for me to take in rough things in the future but I can stay long but just surviving not succeeding or moving forward at some limit. Cause I never know what's right at the right time and how's wrong at the wrong time. No one will tell me when I'm out there in the world so I gotta learn from the scratch and in the meantime, I need to repair myself from the past.

I'm not as strong as you thought. I'm just being who i was after the rough old days.
I never got to learn to solve the root of my problems but all the small matters that caused from it. Which is not enough. Frankly, so what?!

But I'm clearing all the trash in my inbox now and at least, i realised good things happen together when the bad happen just like bad things happen when good things happening.
Some strength grown with me: good observation, being disciplined, some kindness in me, being determined, never give up one things until I got the result i wanted, good analysis and always being positive.

All i wanna do is to be myself like i was so brilliant in my childhood time.
I don't have to smile just to show you.
I don't have to be kind to let you know I'm kind.
I don't have to tell you how many mistakes I've made before and tell you to becareful.
I don't have to learnt something by being punished.
I don't have to be hated or killed because I took MC for a day or two and because I'm being lazy a bit.

I know sometimes I'm doing right things at the right time.
Saying right words and the right time.
If I'm not, I learnt things my right way and of course from mistakes.
I will smile when i see sunshine, or when i like it.
I'm already kind, what more do you expect me to be?
It's just your problem to find out. Not mine.
Hey, i need MC so I could rest, lazy abit, relax a bit and so then I could give my all best in effort and energy. I'm human!

Thanks for reading. Just read and it all ends here.